Pounding Heart—

We all have epic moments of terror during our lives that insight trauma in our minds….

Pounding Heart…. Pounding Head……..thoughts throb one cumbersome mess at a time, my blood runs cold then hot with each surge through my veins….

“This cannot be happening. This is not real. Bad dreams come and go”, I say– as if to comfort myself amidst the unprecedented evil turn of events that I am facing. “you will rise…. be strong and courageous– Do not cower or quiver under the strain– use your head, be rational” I state aloud, while trying to make a case that rational thought will explain the piercing reality of pain away.

Grief comes in waves of grey and blue with an occasional red blast of hot stinging pins to my heart…
I close my eyes and wish that sleep or a waking comma will take me from reality for a little while. My soul needs rest, my mind needs Peace. Then I wonder….maybe God keeps me from ultimate rest because my battle has been (continues to be..) so intense over the last several years, that if I rested or fell asleep- then I would lose my edge. So possibly I am kept in a state of vigilance to protect me from the ever- present destroyer and his brood of evil doers that lurk nearby.

People say…. “you can’t ever be too careful– plan for the worst so you will be prepared”.  I did not do that. I believed in the good, the hard worker and the truth of loyalty. I have not chosen negativity and brooding distrust because I possess this undying expectation that there is joy and happiness to be found. I believe in what others are CAPABLE of and push them to that excellence. I choose to see the glimmer of hope in a grey environment. The sun does not shine daily, but the warmth once felt can be harnessed in one’s soul for the dark days. I choose to believe Love always wins and rules in the end; love will cover the wounds of the broken. I trust that there is rest for the weary and heavy laden…. but in reality, many are weary and I am stronger than most.  My testing is brutal, my wounds bleeding, but my heart pounds strong and undaunted by the thunder of the storm. Is this my downfall? This undying hope, the atrophy of a relentless warrior spirit? I was born for war…. I dare not struggle to choose weakness now.

All questions loom and swirl, but most will not be answered. The plight of a warrior is to forge on through the battle that rages one dark wave after another. Victory will be derived from building a sequence of small victories. Today the victory is as small as Breath, Body Armour, light to see the enemy and food for the soul from the encouragement of a friend.

Take heart! … for you did not die in battle today — you will live strong to fight again tomorrow.

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Daily Prompt: Zing!

via Daily Prompt: Zing!

I feel the word Zing when I hear it. It is a sound to me… it is a feeling too. When a piece of metal shocks me and electricity goes through my hands… that is a Zing! We can zing someone with words– where our vocal zing feels like a shock to the listener. I try not to do that. I want my Zing! to be a positive one. Like fireworks or electricity that shoots up into the sky and lights up whatever it is in reference to. Words are sent flinging into space in the same way all around us. Zing! can be a good thing to have– usually people refer to snide remarks as “zings” but hopefully we can change that to be happy things too. A Zing! should be any comment or experience that sends electric feeling through your mind! I want to zing with a compliment or a smile… something unexpected, but good. A moment of time that allows the listener to feel alive and energized. So send a Positive Zing! toward someone today.

 

Web of hope…

I sit here today … Reading and considering. Time has passed since I lost things. My whole life has been faulted- turned upside down and restarted several times. 

What was the most pivotal change? What was the item that had the most impact on how I am today? When I look back– the item that I look back and say  “this moment changed everything”. There really is not one moment in your life like this but many. Each chapter has something that defines it. There are different levels of loss but all experience teaches and will shape our psycy
The gaping hole in my heart has some edges that have been stitched together by the web of hope. Love has a way of touching dark places with its warmth. I’m just holding the pieces together with glue of determination some days. Some days you will walk with a song in your step, other days you will just choose to put one foot in front of the other- just stepping. I have Had some very big things in the last couple years that I believe have been pivotal moments. 

1) Bradeys death

2) Divorce

3) loss of my “safe place” where I used to run

4) abandoned by friends and family

5). Last year– deep disappointment; being hurt by someone who said they loved you. 

6) most recently- Being in love with a man that says that he is not able to give me what I need right now

None of these items will define me but all of them will shape my view of possible. I essentially have “chosen” to be a survivor even when there was plenty of reasons to hide and disengage. 

What do I want? ….. I have pondered it long and hard. In my life as a whole I have not struggled with confidence in who I am or what I bring to the table. My struggle seems to finding someone that believes in me. Someone that will stand by me when I fall, or stand strong when I need to cry without judging me. Someone who will let me be me. Even in my search over the years I always had a network of people that I believed had my best interest at heart. For the first time in my history… My network is fully broken. My family is far and I still protect them– my friends are busy and most are not strong enough for me to trust with my heart– no man– my kids are teenagers (nuff said). So I am on my own to navigate. Not even the hint of anyone physical. My web of hope is broken.

This place comes with much pain and grieving– but I do feel a certain solice that I will survive and say I did it. when I do , there will be a story — a record breaking epic adventure to relay. 

Today my story starts with… “The road is bleak — lonely doesn’t even remotely discribe the emotions of my ravaged heart…. As I navigate the wind that seems to whip around invisable curves, I am reminded of Psalm 23. I quote it- because it is better to hear at least my own voice to combat the shrill whistle of blustery air and dark shadows. This does feel like the “valley of death” but a different one than I have walked before. I am trodding on the path– it is difficult; yet every step I take brings me closer to the edge of the illusive sunshine. Night comes- I am numb. Silently as if my thoughts hurt– I just wait till dawn conserving even energy from thought or dreams”

Treasure Chest

I am in a introspective place today. I am sitting in a freinds porch far away from my “normal life” — a weekend of relaxation and laughter. I feel more like myself today than I have in a while. I m  watching the wind move the trees deliberately but still light enough that it comes and goes. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and breathe in Peace and rest. I feel safe- that is not normal for me…. interesting. The man that I am with this weekend has inspired courage in me — courage to be me 100% . He has made me not afraid to look deep and be true to my inner desire, while not leaving my values and beliefs. He is strong and kind– deep, but laughs easy. Our relationship is easy and he has a way of making me smile at the smallest things in life. Smiling….. such a simple thing, but has been lost. Interestingly enough when I was small, my father consistantly told me to smile. I was a very deep child but loved to laugh. My father grew that in me- he was a jokster, but also knew how to look on me with love and appreciation. My dad made me feel accepted and beautiful. He taught me how to lighten the load of everyone with my smile and showed me how that in turn lightened mine.

Over time I forgot what it felt like to smile. My life was full of pain, but I wanted to find the joy in things around me. I remembered my dad’s words…. “smile sweetheart- just smile and you will feel better”. I used to roll my eyes, but he would keep it up with the relentless “smile…. just smile”. Finally, when I did smile, it was a relief. There was a warmth that my brain felt when my cheeks turned up in a smile. I encourage you to try. Just smile… even if it doesn’t feel normal- keep doing it, you will feel the change.

Now I sit and smile- just for the sunshine and the breeze. For a weekend with no stress; a weekend of being myself and being ok with it. A weekend to share with someone I love and trust. I don’ know if we will land in each others lives forever, but today I will enjoy every moment together.

I live in a whirlwind of many different lives all mixed into one: the boss at work; the mother of teens and a 1st grader which is two different roles as one needs to live with your head on a swival, while the other is cuddle time and games; the bestfriend; the confidant; the lover; the supportive and encouraging daughter. I find all of these personalities in my brain to be kept up similtaniously. I love each one of these things that I am, and would not choose one over the other. I engage in each part of myself with gusto – I am all of these and glad that I have a full life .

I feel cautious about sharing my life with many of my girl friends as I am not ready to talk about my journey for I have not yet figured out my path. I hope that someday I will be able to rest in the joy of sharing life with a man again. for now…. I will enjoy his smile, and smile back.

@thoughtlife

@ smile easy

@turning point

 

Modern Family

I am trying the daily prompt for
Modern Families

I am in a dilemma here as I do not like to “categorize” my family. The truth is… I have a lot of things going on that make mine a modern day picture. Divorced mom, bad custody issues…. angry teenagers, I work too much and never have enough money. I do not have a good support structure as they all abandon me when I divorced my husband (they were all his family).

My picture has broken glass all through it, but there is happiness in there too. I recently decided not to pursue a relationship so that I could focus on more of what structure my kids need. My sacrifice is small for what I hope they can gain. What I knew to be family growing up does not exist for my kids. That was a hard concept for me to swallow…. they will never know the solid- safe – environment of home that I did. They have two separate lives… one with me and one with their dad. Is this harder on me or them? Not sure…

How will I ever fix the fragments? I tried the co-parent thing. The ex just uses the kids against me. Instead of sharing info– he takes what I give and plans to destroy whatever safe haven I create. so for me, separation is best — but that leaves the kids in that “two lives” place each day. I didn’t want them to choose, but when I saw my sons being manipulated to choose their father it made me panic. I pulled back to give them space to have the happiness they can find in the middle- no pressure. How do I watch them choose him and his lies? Modern family is torn for me– broken– sad and full of choices. All I ever wanted was for them to be safe and happy. I will continue to strive for this, as well as work as hard as I can to create a career out of nothing in my 40’s, while putting on a smile every day to assure them that I am confident of myself and their love even on the days they break my heart by believing his lies.

modern Family- could be about Technology-Crucial Conversations with your kids – Balancing Career and Family- but for me it’s the twist of what I see now… after the Picture I created and cherished was smashed on the tile of Broken Dreams.
Modern Families

New Year–

I aam starting this blog post with thee full knowledge that I have not written anything in a full year. As I wrap up 2015 I am sobered by how messy life is and how fast it can change. 
This year has been a roller coaster. Here are some of the highlights:
* I thought I found love…I pursued it for a while, wrapping my thoughts around the process of involving another person in my life. It was good for me to feel love for the first time in a long time. I ended the relationship when I realized that it was lacking some profound basics that I could not be without. I decided that it will be difficult at best to find a person that can truly show the kind of dedication to me that it will take for me to let them into my ever changing and radically dramatic existence. This man was not ready for the dedication it would take to let me fly free to be the kind of mother I need to be while still keeping steady with the type of support that I need to depend on. On top of that, I had the challenge of the person that I was spending time with being someone that my ‘ex’ hated and had made a horrifically untrue story up about that being the reason that our marriage ended. While untrue– this I realized was a fatal flaw that my kids would not be able to move past the lie and I was not willing to lose them while they came to the truth on their own. Much better for me to let go…
In 2015, I sought God anew and prayed for breakthrough. God showed his mighty hand in my life. The following were the high level items, that only by Gods Mighty Hand was I able to come through … none of these are things that are “solved”, but they have been set in motion successfully and I am looking for the ending that will Tag the Win. 
– I was able to negotiate a custody arrangement with my ex that stopped the battle.

– I turned a corner with one of my long-time friends, and while the relationship is not repaired from the violent battle that ended our comfortable sisterhood, it is on it’s way to a new place.

-My son got caught up in some bad things, but God miraculously saved him from a life in prison. 

-The relationship that I had, I ended with a better understanding of who I am as a Woman of Faith and adult with my own goals. God did promise me in 2014 that if I ended that relationship that he would release me from the prison that I have called home for my ADULT years.

-In prayer I asked for “strength to fly out of the chaos” for my son, God answered in the final hours of the year.

-When I couldn’t take my job any longer and burnout was creeping in… God showed His mighty hand and swept me away into a new place– oddly enough just 30 days prior to big changes in my company that would have affected me greatly. 

-I am on a pathway to ‘cleaning up the financial mess’ that has rocked me for so long. Paperwork has been put in motion to navigate these waters. 

-One of my true Soul Sisters was brought back to me– the restoration was amazing and unexpected. I thought a part of me died when she rejected me in 2012- three years later we are growing together again.

– I have navigated a year with ‘sharing’ my children with a man that despises my existence. There was a time that I did not think that I would be able to survive this battle daily, and now I am not afraid. This was largely due to the Freedom that I received through deliverance and prayer on my trip to Cali this year. 
For the new Year:
I am asking my Father for a lit pathway through the dark woods of this life. I care not to wander at my own design or fall into a bog because the fog was so thick that I could not see. I don’t want to blindly love someone only to have wasted another year. Time was needed for me to find my inner desire, but I want someone to share my journey with. I ask for Wisdom to see the pitfalls before they come. Clarity in any decision that comes my way. Protection from the Enemy for my mind and heart. Strength to Battle thee forces that fight for my children and my soul. A partner that will stand side by side with me in any battle I face. One that is worthy to share my journey and shows it — believes in Justice, Loyal, and Pursuant of my Fathers Will in their own rite. I don’t want to lead a man, I want to stand by one. I want to partner- I want to be his co-hort in life. I want to know that if we walk through fire– our bonds cannot be broken. I want to add to his life in a way that excites him on all levels- mental/soulful/emotional/spiritual and body. This is not impossible. I have seen it done- but the rarity of this makes it seem elusive and fabricated for fairy tales. After several years of intense mayhem, I have come to see the picture of my adult life timeline as this. 
1992 — all possibility lay before me

1993 — wandered

1994 — met/married a man that inspired me for many reasons- the excitement took me places. The challenge was accepted.

1995 — a STAR was born; A son of song and light

1996 — Life became intense

1997 — Abandoned and Stripped of Power

1998 — A Star is born into Darkness; A son of Truth

1999 – 02 : Roller Coaster in the Dark with only the light of a burning lantern

2002 — A Star is born into Chaos and Pain; A son of Peace

2003 – 06 : Life in a Sea of Stormy Weather – a raft with holes to float in

2007 — A Star is born enshrouded in death and fog.

2008 — I walked in Heavy mist until a new Star was born with a brilliant Rainbow Crown

2009- 12: A climate of desert and hot wind assaulted my senses while I huddled beneath the olive tree with my children

2012 – 15: A war-torn landscape and prolonged battle raged. 

2016 — Will this be the year of Victory? Only my Father knows every struggle and each flower that sprung up from the sobs of grief that have wracked my mind and heart. I have run out of tears. I am creating new armor for the battle will always rage, but I am no longer the prison forced to fight for my masters gain. I am free to fight for mine…. and I will Dance with Joy and Praise with each small Victory land I take . My message– “GEAR UP”– MY motto — “Be brave in the face of your enemies- have courage to love in the face of adversity – Be Kind to others – Fight for your ground.”
Change is here– will you accept the challenge to Find new ground?

Heavy Thought

As I sit in silence and mull over the week, I am sobered by the way I feel. My eyes burn from the tears today- my face is “crunchy” from the salt still on my cheeks. I want to break free from the heavy feelings– the hopeless feeling. This week was hard. I got an unsettling review at work, and had some hard  conversations with a friend. I fought with someone i care about– I was defensive and had sharp words.  I talked with a mentor and got some clarity– but still felt trapped in the “cage of corporate race”. I felt unappreciated and ignored. I felt alone. My kids posted wonderful things about their dad on Facebook and that made my angry. he is so tricky and shows only the parts that he wants them to see. He is so selfish and ice cold, but plays the part of “lonely dad” when they are near so that their little hearts reach to comfort. It burns the embers of my anger and i have to breath long deep breaths to keep myself from screaming out the truth that I know. My Ex- Family ( his family that posed to love me deeply and i lived to love for 20 years) has brought another level of disgrace on my existence by not allowing me to attend any family functions including new babies birthday. I cringe with the Abandonment that i feel, each time I find out that Im not invited over- I immediatly feel the same sting as if someone slapped my ice cold cheek very hard. My eyes well up and my heart slumps from the weight of “rejected love”. They act like they don’t notice which hurts more than if they screamed at me.

here are the pressing thoughts:

  • I have not felt really anything wholly since my son died.
  • I have not missed the feelings, but the pain is different now
  • Im tired of feeling blank
  • I want to love someone and to be loved truthfully in return
  • i want to escape the pain of living “just outside” the family group
  • I want to be strong- but i’ve never been so broken.
  • Every friend I have is not emotionally available to me or I don’t trust them enough to hear my story
  • My heart is more than broken or bruised– crushed like grapes in wine press
  • Some of my puzzle peices are missing to my soul
  • Am i deluded about my affect on those around me– do they really need me?
  • I know God is there– somewhere, I just can’t feel Him

I guess most of the time I feel pretty strong and when I have weeks like this- I don’t know how to navigate the true feelings. Why do I have to feel at all? I love my practical, rational side. I love my drama side too– and I love that I used to feel deeply and be passionate about life and the little things. I never wanted to know the darkness as i do now. However, I am glad i have seen darkness– for now the sun is that much brighter when I feel it. I need a breakthrough– I need a crack in my stone hedge. I talk myself through this stuff so often…. it’s familiar to me and in my head it will calm down. Sometimes when i write — I’m afraid to share with others. Not sure many can handle what i say without feeling that i am losing it. I’m not– been close to that before. This is not it. I do not feel out of control mentally in any way over the last several months. As proof that i am balancing my dark moments–here are things that make me smile:

  • The laughter and love of my children
  • Hot coffee
  • Sunshine on my face
  • Flowers– beauty in nature
  • Hard Work – the good tired feeling
  • Smiles/hugs from a friend
  • The friend that knows you and isn’t afraid to walk with you
  • My mother and father- the way the support and love deeply
  • My job — and all it makes me be
  • Thoughts of starting over with someone who opens my heart again

I have realized in the dark days of 2013 that I would rather be alone for ever than to ever again be with a partner who does not “get me”. There are friends that love me today that get me more than my ex ever did.  I want to be with someone that makes me smile every day. I love to see that “I adore you” look in someone’s eyes– and know they don’t have to say it. I want to feel safe. I need to feel accepted for me– all of my passionate thoughts and wandering analytic discussions.  someone who wants to enjoy small moments– and loves what kind of mom I am. Is diverse in nature and open to all people. It makes me calm to think about these things and toy with the thought that I may find someone who fits the bill. If i don’t– its ok. I love controlling my own life. I love looking at my kids at 11pm and going for ice cream when most parents wouldn’t. I love having fun and not worry that who I’m with will think I’m silly. I am learning to like myself alone. That is a good first step I think…. to becoming stronger in my skin.

In this month of February where love is celebrated. I want to give a shout out to those that have learned to embrace truth in Love– the good and the bad. Have survived the battle- and live successfully with your scars to Love again. Enjoy every moment with the one that fills your heart– for you have found a way to breathe easier through Life’s Path… and that is worth smiling about!