I am in a introspective place today. I am sitting in a freinds porch far away from my “normal life” — a weekend of relaxation and laughter. I feel more like myself today than I have in a while. I m watching the wind move the trees deliberately but still light enough that it comes and goes. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and breathe in Peace and rest. I feel safe- that is not normal for me…. interesting. The man that I am with this weekend has inspired courage in me — courage to be me 100% . He has made me not afraid to look deep and be true to my inner desire, while not leaving my values and beliefs. He is strong and kind– deep, but laughs easy. Our relationship is easy and he has a way of making me smile at the smallest things in life. Smiling….. such a simple thing, but has been lost. Interestingly enough when I was small, my father consistantly told me to smile. I was a very deep child but loved to laugh. My father grew that in me- he was a jokster, but also knew how to look on me with love and appreciation. My dad made me feel accepted and beautiful. He taught me how to lighten the load of everyone with my smile and showed me how that in turn lightened mine.
Over time I forgot what it felt like to smile. My life was full of pain, but I wanted to find the joy in things around me. I remembered my dad’s words…. “smile sweetheart- just smile and you will feel better”. I used to roll my eyes, but he would keep it up with the relentless “smile…. just smile”. Finally, when I did smile, it was a relief. There was a warmth that my brain felt when my cheeks turned up in a smile. I encourage you to try. Just smile… even if it doesn’t feel normal- keep doing it, you will feel the change.
Now I sit and smile- just for the sunshine and the breeze. For a weekend with no stress; a weekend of being myself and being ok with it. A weekend to share with someone I love and trust. I don’ know if we will land in each others lives forever, but today I will enjoy every moment together.
I live in a whirlwind of many different lives all mixed into one: the boss at work; the mother of teens and a 1st grader which is two different roles as one needs to live with your head on a swival, while the other is cuddle time and games; the bestfriend; the confidant; the lover; the supportive and encouraging daughter. I find all of these personalities in my brain to be kept up similtaniously. I love each one of these things that I am, and would not choose one over the other. I engage in each part of myself with gusto – I am all of these and glad that I have a full life .
I feel cautious about sharing my life with many of my girl friends as I am not ready to talk about my journey for I have not yet figured out my path. I hope that someday I will be able to rest in the joy of sharing life with a man again. for now…. I will enjoy his smile, and smile back.
@ smile easy