I sit here today … Reading and considering. Time has passed since I lost things. My whole life has been faulted- turned upside down and restarted several times.
What was the most pivotal change? What was the item that had the most impact on how I am today? When I look back– the item that I look back and say “this moment changed everything”. There really is not one moment in your life like this but many. Each chapter has something that defines it. There are different levels of loss but all experience teaches and will shape our psycy
The gaping hole in my heart has some edges that have been stitched together by the web of hope. Love has a way of touching dark places with its warmth. I’m just holding the pieces together with glue of determination some days. Some days you will walk with a song in your step, other days you will just choose to put one foot in front of the other- just stepping. I have Had some very big things in the last couple years that I believe have been pivotal moments.
1) Bradeys death
3) loss of my “safe place” where I used to run
4) abandoned by friends and family
5). Last year– deep disappointment; being hurt by someone who said they loved you.
6) most recently- Being in love with a man that says that he is not able to give me what I need right now
None of these items will define me but all of them will shape my view of possible. I essentially have “chosen” to be a survivor even when there was plenty of reasons to hide and disengage.
What do I want? ….. I have pondered it long and hard. In my life as a whole I have not struggled with confidence in who I am or what I bring to the table. My struggle seems to finding someone that believes in me. Someone that will stand by me when I fall, or stand strong when I need to cry without judging me. Someone who will let me be me. Even in my search over the years I always had a network of people that I believed had my best interest at heart. For the first time in my history… My network is fully broken. My family is far and I still protect them– my friends are busy and most are not strong enough for me to trust with my heart– no man– my kids are teenagers (nuff said). So I am on my own to navigate. Not even the hint of anyone physical. My web of hope is broken.
This place comes with much pain and grieving– but I do feel a certain solice that I will survive and say I did it. when I do , there will be a story — a record breaking epic adventure to relay.
Today my story starts with… “The road is bleak — lonely doesn’t even remotely discribe the emotions of my ravaged heart…. As I navigate the wind that seems to whip around invisable curves, I am reminded of Psalm 23. I quote it- because it is better to hear at least my own voice to combat the shrill whistle of blustery air and dark shadows. This does feel like the “valley of death” but a different one than I have walked before. I am trodding on the path– it is difficult; yet every step I take brings me closer to the edge of the illusive sunshine. Night comes- I am numb. Silently as if my thoughts hurt– I just wait till dawn conserving even energy from thought or dreams”