Navigating the chaos

I step I hop I run I walk. Dodging words that come like bricks through the air. There is a cloud of chaos that hangs in the air… my breath is short and anxious. How did this happen… when did it erupt? How did i miss the darkness approaching?

I thought I was past the worst, and that I was close to the sunshine. Now in minutes the clouds have gathered and we are in the storm again. I didn’t wear rain boots, so I slosh through the mud trying to skip the deep pits and not slip off an edge.

Even thought the wind came strong and I’m struggling for a clear breath– I feel my core strength rise up inside. “Greater is He that is within me….. ” I quote, under my breath. I will not be defeated. I am a warrior built for battle built for victory….. I gain strength as I focus. I will not succumb to this storm.

So I decide, I will stop and refocus. For, we cannot run head-on into battle without the right armour and weapon. I take a short time to regroup and then I am on again. Moving with purpose this time. I will keep stepping, for this day is not over and I have the tools to fight.

It turns out, I AM walking toward the sunshine…. just with a sword in my hand!!

A warning to my nemesis or those that seek to destroy me–

” I may be weathered, but I am not worn. The sword I hold is electrified with the Power of the Spirit of the Living God and I wield it with the respect and Honor that my King deserves. I may have taken some hits, but they only showed me my core strength could not be shaken. Beware– do not be fooled by my calm demeanor. The beast in me has been sleeping, but is alive and well! I don’t think you want to be the one that unleashes the Roar inside me.”

 

I fight for my King– every breath is taken slowly. Calculated risk is a part of life– so Step Up and MOVE!

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In the bubble of chaos…

Time has passed since my last blog post. My pounding heart has come back to a regular rhythm. It is Feb again. As I sit calm and look out at the rainy day, my mind wanders to last year at this time. I was in a whirlwind of Business and living… I thought I knew my surroundings and never dreamed that the chaos I feared would rear its ugly head and take a slash through my world. I start to feel my heart race as I realize that one year ago, I sat calm and happy and was oblivious of the crisis that was to be in my immediate future. It was March 2nd that I was thrown over the cliff in my clear plastic bubble of chaos. Placed on a path that had no bearing on the world I had known. Cast off so suddenly that there was no prep time, no way to grasp the validity of what had happened and no point of reference to gauge where I was or what would happen next. At first I just tumbled around in the capsule a wild mess. Scared, and set apart from everyone. Nothing my loved ones said could reach into that clear bubble capsule and penetrate my space. I saw only through the haze of plastic everything continuing in life; but I rolled by unnoticed. The desperation crept in as I realized that no one could reach me; they could wave, yell, run beside the bubble as it rolled, but no one could stop it or get me out. I was truly alone on this wild ride. The bubble capsule continued to roll day and night. Never stopping… just sometimes a slow roll through a flat space where out of pure exhaustion I would sit down and rest, only to get a crazy gust of wind that would push me faster again and rouse me to another dizzy day of crazy.  From inside the capsule I had no control… I could sometimes press hard on the bubble and it would lean in one direction, but any little bump in the road caused it to bounce and turn. There was no rhyme or reason to the path– just crazy twists and turns. At some moments it felt as if I was being pulled by an invisible line, which at any moment may be jerked tight and cause me to catch my breath over a quick flight that landed in a hard bounce… Several times I had the wind knocked out of me when the capsule would land hard over bumps or turns, but I gained my breath again quickly as there was no time for recovery on this road of chaos.

Even though I felt out of control and like I was watching the world from a foggy plastic shell– I was not hurt physically. As the days went by I learned how to control the capsule some…. not very well, but able to use some focused energy to lean toward a somewhat consistent path. As the path widened, I one day came to a sudden fork in the road. I leaned left with all my might causing my capsule to take a quick turn and BOOM! I had run over a metal spike that punctured the capsule. As suddenly as the capsule had engulfed me it was dissolving around me. The air felt piercing and the world was loud. Sounds that I had longed to hear- seemed abrasive in this moment of sudden clarity. I walked, then ran….. then sat and cried- the ride was over, I was out. Everything felt new and overwhelming. I faced new opportunity and while excited I was also terrified. Am I strong enough…. am I good enough? The capsule had become a familiar prison that I hated at first, and now struggled not to feel small without the idea of its walls. I bolstered my courage and struck out on my new adventure. Talking to myself with words of courage and embracing the  engaging words of those who loved me and were happy to see my capsule dissolved. The ones who had run beside my capsule, now walked beside me. I had lost some along the way and it was clear who was with me now. It was a new day!

As the next 6 months unfolded, it turns out that I had found myself in a new job which posed an environment similar to what I imagine a coal mine– very toxic and riddled with intense hardship testing my mental and emotional fortitude at every turn. Every time I thought I was gaining some ground, I would get reassigned to another new area to labor hard and long with no help or direction. there was much ridicule during this time by outsiders, I tried to keep my eyes fixed on the edge of the ridgeline, where the mountaintop met the sky, but it was difficult to breathe in the mine, and I often broke down in tears of despair. My hope was so shredded at the basic level, I leaned heavily on the strength of my core group to remind me that there was more outside the mine.

Then on a sunny day when I was just dredging along the best I could, I got a message that my days in the mine were over. I was shocked, but perplexed. While I was trying to decide what I would do next… I got the phone call. My application was approved for my next journey. In a matter of hours, I had been set free from the mine and moved to a new path in the valley. Good grief…. I must marvel at times the pace at which my life journey takes place! My time in the plastic capsule made me appreciate the raw air of the mine….. the drudgery and hardship of the mine made me appreciate the sweet grass of the valley, even though the dirt path is rough and basic… I am walking, breathing and taking in every sound.

So….. back to my rainy post of writing…. due to the sensitive nature of my journey, I must share through parable and protect the onlookers that may be watching. I am beyond grateful and quiet in my spirit today to share this moment of reflection with you from a resting place on my path.  The message is a reminder for me: Take in the moments….. use them for what you can. Don’t dread the future or live in the past! Life must be felt at all cycles – ride the waves of the tempest, so that you can appreciate and welcome of the sunny shore.

Journey on…

 

Pounding Heart—

We all have epic moments of terror during our lives that insight trauma in our minds….

Pounding Heart…. Pounding Head……..thoughts throb one cumbersome mess at a time, my blood runs cold then hot with each surge through my veins….

“This cannot be happening. This is not real. Bad dreams come and go”, I say– as if to comfort myself amidst the unprecedented evil turn of events that I am facing. “you will rise…. be strong and courageous– Do not cower or quiver under the strain– use your head, be rational” I state aloud, while trying to make a case that rational thought will explain the piercing reality of pain away.

Grief comes in waves of grey and blue with an occasional red blast of hot stinging pins to my heart…
I close my eyes and wish that sleep or a waking comma will take me from reality for a little while. My soul needs rest, my mind needs Peace. Then I wonder….maybe God keeps me from ultimate rest because my battle has been (continues to be..) so intense over the last several years, that if I rested or fell asleep- then I would lose my edge. So possibly I am kept in a state of vigilance to protect me from the ever- present destroyer and his brood of evil doers that lurk nearby.

People say…. “you can’t ever be too careful– plan for the worst so you will be prepared”.  I did not do that. I believed in the good, the hard worker and the truth of loyalty. I have not chosen negativity and brooding distrust because I possess this undying expectation that there is joy and happiness to be found. I believe in what others are CAPABLE of and push them to that excellence. I choose to see the glimmer of hope in a grey environment. The sun does not shine daily, but the warmth once felt can be harnessed in one’s soul for the dark days. I choose to believe Love always wins and rules in the end; love will cover the wounds of the broken. I trust that there is rest for the weary and heavy laden…. but in reality, many are weary and I am stronger than most.  My testing is brutal, my wounds bleeding, but my heart pounds strong and undaunted by the thunder of the storm. Is this my downfall? This undying hope, the atrophy of a relentless warrior spirit? I was born for war…. I dare not struggle to choose weakness now.

All questions loom and swirl, but most will not be answered. The plight of a warrior is to forge on through the battle that rages one dark wave after another. Victory will be derived from building a sequence of small victories. Today the victory is as small as Breath, Body Armour, light to see the enemy and food for the soul from the encouragement of a friend.

Take heart! … for you did not die in battle today — you will live strong to fight again tomorrow.

Daily Prompt: Zing!

via Daily Prompt: Zing!

I feel the word Zing when I hear it. It is a sound to me… it is a feeling too. When a piece of metal shocks me and electricity goes through my hands… that is a Zing! We can zing someone with words– where our vocal zing feels like a shock to the listener. I try not to do that. I want my Zing! to be a positive one. Like fireworks or electricity that shoots up into the sky and lights up whatever it is in reference to. Words are sent flinging into space in the same way all around us. Zing! can be a good thing to have– usually people refer to snide remarks as “zings” but hopefully we can change that to be happy things too. A Zing! should be any comment or experience that sends electric feeling through your mind! I want to zing with a compliment or a smile… something unexpected, but good. A moment of time that allows the listener to feel alive and energized. So send a Positive Zing! toward someone today.

 

Web of hope…

I sit here today … Reading and considering. Time has passed since I lost things. My whole life has been faulted- turned upside down and restarted several times. 

What was the most pivotal change? What was the item that had the most impact on how I am today? When I look back– the item that I look back and say  “this moment changed everything”. There really is not one moment in your life like this but many. Each chapter has something that defines it. There are different levels of loss but all experience teaches and will shape our psycy
The gaping hole in my heart has some edges that have been stitched together by the web of hope. Love has a way of touching dark places with its warmth. I’m just holding the pieces together with glue of determination some days. Some days you will walk with a song in your step, other days you will just choose to put one foot in front of the other- just stepping. I have Had some very big things in the last couple years that I believe have been pivotal moments. 

1) Bradeys death

2) Divorce

3) loss of my “safe place” where I used to run

4) abandoned by friends and family

5). Last year– deep disappointment; being hurt by someone who said they loved you. 

6) most recently- Being in love with a man that says that he is not able to give me what I need right now

None of these items will define me but all of them will shape my view of possible. I essentially have “chosen” to be a survivor even when there was plenty of reasons to hide and disengage. 

What do I want? ….. I have pondered it long and hard. In my life as a whole I have not struggled with confidence in who I am or what I bring to the table. My struggle seems to finding someone that believes in me. Someone that will stand by me when I fall, or stand strong when I need to cry without judging me. Someone who will let me be me. Even in my search over the years I always had a network of people that I believed had my best interest at heart. For the first time in my history… My network is fully broken. My family is far and I still protect them– my friends are busy and most are not strong enough for me to trust with my heart– no man– my kids are teenagers (nuff said). So I am on my own to navigate. Not even the hint of anyone physical. My web of hope is broken.

This place comes with much pain and grieving– but I do feel a certain solice that I will survive and say I did it. when I do , there will be a story — a record breaking epic adventure to relay. 

Today my story starts with… “The road is bleak — lonely doesn’t even remotely discribe the emotions of my ravaged heart…. As I navigate the wind that seems to whip around invisable curves, I am reminded of Psalm 23. I quote it- because it is better to hear at least my own voice to combat the shrill whistle of blustery air and dark shadows. This does feel like the “valley of death” but a different one than I have walked before. I am trodding on the path– it is difficult; yet every step I take brings me closer to the edge of the illusive sunshine. Night comes- I am numb. Silently as if my thoughts hurt– I just wait till dawn conserving even energy from thought or dreams”

Treasure Chest

I am in a introspective place today. I am sitting in a freinds porch far away from my “normal life” — a weekend of relaxation and laughter. I feel more like myself today than I have in a while. I m  watching the wind move the trees deliberately but still light enough that it comes and goes. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and breathe in Peace and rest. I feel safe- that is not normal for me…. interesting. The man that I am with this weekend has inspired courage in me — courage to be me 100% . He has made me not afraid to look deep and be true to my inner desire, while not leaving my values and beliefs. He is strong and kind– deep, but laughs easy. Our relationship is easy and he has a way of making me smile at the smallest things in life. Smiling….. such a simple thing, but has been lost. Interestingly enough when I was small, my father consistantly told me to smile. I was a very deep child but loved to laugh. My father grew that in me- he was a jokster, but also knew how to look on me with love and appreciation. My dad made me feel accepted and beautiful. He taught me how to lighten the load of everyone with my smile and showed me how that in turn lightened mine.

Over time I forgot what it felt like to smile. My life was full of pain, but I wanted to find the joy in things around me. I remembered my dad’s words…. “smile sweetheart- just smile and you will feel better”. I used to roll my eyes, but he would keep it up with the relentless “smile…. just smile”. Finally, when I did smile, it was a relief. There was a warmth that my brain felt when my cheeks turned up in a smile. I encourage you to try. Just smile… even if it doesn’t feel normal- keep doing it, you will feel the change.

Now I sit and smile- just for the sunshine and the breeze. For a weekend with no stress; a weekend of being myself and being ok with it. A weekend to share with someone I love and trust. I don’ know if we will land in each others lives forever, but today I will enjoy every moment together.

I live in a whirlwind of many different lives all mixed into one: the boss at work; the mother of teens and a 1st grader which is two different roles as one needs to live with your head on a swival, while the other is cuddle time and games; the bestfriend; the confidant; the lover; the supportive and encouraging daughter. I find all of these personalities in my brain to be kept up similtaniously. I love each one of these things that I am, and would not choose one over the other. I engage in each part of myself with gusto – I am all of these and glad that I have a full life .

I feel cautious about sharing my life with many of my girl friends as I am not ready to talk about my journey for I have not yet figured out my path. I hope that someday I will be able to rest in the joy of sharing life with a man again. for now…. I will enjoy his smile, and smile back.

@thoughtlife

@ smile easy

@turning point

 

Modern Family

I am trying the daily prompt for
Modern Families

I am in a dilemma here as I do not like to “categorize” my family. The truth is… I have a lot of things going on that make mine a modern day picture. Divorced mom, bad custody issues…. angry teenagers, I work too much and never have enough money. I do not have a good support structure as they all abandon me when I divorced my husband (they were all his family).

My picture has broken glass all through it, but there is happiness in there too. I recently decided not to pursue a relationship so that I could focus on more of what structure my kids need. My sacrifice is small for what I hope they can gain. What I knew to be family growing up does not exist for my kids. That was a hard concept for me to swallow…. they will never know the solid- safe – environment of home that I did. They have two separate lives… one with me and one with their dad. Is this harder on me or them? Not sure…

How will I ever fix the fragments? I tried the co-parent thing. The ex just uses the kids against me. Instead of sharing info– he takes what I give and plans to destroy whatever safe haven I create. so for me, separation is best — but that leaves the kids in that “two lives” place each day. I didn’t want them to choose, but when I saw my sons being manipulated to choose their father it made me panic. I pulled back to give them space to have the happiness they can find in the middle- no pressure. How do I watch them choose him and his lies? Modern family is torn for me– broken– sad and full of choices. All I ever wanted was for them to be safe and happy. I will continue to strive for this, as well as work as hard as I can to create a career out of nothing in my 40’s, while putting on a smile every day to assure them that I am confident of myself and their love even on the days they break my heart by believing his lies.

modern Family- could be about Technology-Crucial Conversations with your kids – Balancing Career and Family- but for me it’s the twist of what I see now… after the Picture I created and cherished was smashed on the tile of Broken Dreams.
Modern Families