Pounding Heart—

We all have epic moments of terror during our lives that insight trauma in our minds….

Pounding Heart…. Pounding Head……..thoughts throb one cumbersome mess at a time, my blood runs cold then hot with each surge through my veins….

“This cannot be happening. This is not real. Bad dreams come and go”, I say– as if to comfort myself amidst the unprecedented evil turn of events that I am facing. “you will rise…. be strong and courageous– Do not cower or quiver under the strain– use your head, be rational” I state aloud, while trying to make a case that rational thought will explain the piercing reality of pain away.

Grief comes in waves of grey and blue with an occasional red blast of hot stinging pins to my heart…
I close my eyes and wish that sleep or a waking comma will take me from reality for a little while. My soul needs rest, my mind needs Peace. Then I wonder….maybe God keeps me from ultimate rest because my battle has been (continues to be..) so intense over the last several years, that if I rested or fell asleep- then I would lose my edge. So possibly I am kept in a state of vigilance to protect me from the ever- present destroyer and his brood of evil doers that lurk nearby.

People say…. “you can’t ever be too careful– plan for the worst so you will be prepared”.  I did not do that. I believed in the good, the hard worker and the truth of loyalty. I have not chosen negativity and brooding distrust because I possess this undying expectation that there is joy and happiness to be found. I believe in what others are CAPABLE of and push them to that excellence. I choose to see the glimmer of hope in a grey environment. The sun does not shine daily, but the warmth once felt can be harnessed in one’s soul for the dark days. I choose to believe Love always wins and rules in the end; love will cover the wounds of the broken. I trust that there is rest for the weary and heavy laden…. but in reality, many are weary and I am stronger than most.  My testing is brutal, my wounds bleeding, but my heart pounds strong and undaunted by the thunder of the storm. Is this my downfall? This undying hope, the atrophy of a relentless warrior spirit? I was born for war…. I dare not struggle to choose weakness now.

All questions loom and swirl, but most will not be answered. The plight of a warrior is to forge on through the battle that rages one dark wave after another. Victory will be derived from building a sequence of small victories. Today the victory is as small as Breath, Body Armour, light to see the enemy and food for the soul from the encouragement of a friend.

Take heart! … for you did not die in battle today — you will live strong to fight again tomorrow.

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New Year–

I aam starting this blog post with thee full knowledge that I have not written anything in a full year. As I wrap up 2015 I am sobered by how messy life is and how fast it can change. 
This year has been a roller coaster. Here are some of the highlights:
* I thought I found love…I pursued it for a while, wrapping my thoughts around the process of involving another person in my life. It was good for me to feel love for the first time in a long time. I ended the relationship when I realized that it was lacking some profound basics that I could not be without. I decided that it will be difficult at best to find a person that can truly show the kind of dedication to me that it will take for me to let them into my ever changing and radically dramatic existence. This man was not ready for the dedication it would take to let me fly free to be the kind of mother I need to be while still keeping steady with the type of support that I need to depend on. On top of that, I had the challenge of the person that I was spending time with being someone that my ‘ex’ hated and had made a horrifically untrue story up about that being the reason that our marriage ended. While untrue– this I realized was a fatal flaw that my kids would not be able to move past the lie and I was not willing to lose them while they came to the truth on their own. Much better for me to let go…
In 2015, I sought God anew and prayed for breakthrough. God showed his mighty hand in my life. The following were the high level items, that only by Gods Mighty Hand was I able to come through … none of these are things that are “solved”, but they have been set in motion successfully and I am looking for the ending that will Tag the Win. 
– I was able to negotiate a custody arrangement with my ex that stopped the battle.

– I turned a corner with one of my long-time friends, and while the relationship is not repaired from the violent battle that ended our comfortable sisterhood, it is on it’s way to a new place.

-My son got caught up in some bad things, but God miraculously saved him from a life in prison. 

-The relationship that I had, I ended with a better understanding of who I am as a Woman of Faith and adult with my own goals. God did promise me in 2014 that if I ended that relationship that he would release me from the prison that I have called home for my ADULT years.

-In prayer I asked for “strength to fly out of the chaos” for my son, God answered in the final hours of the year.

-When I couldn’t take my job any longer and burnout was creeping in… God showed His mighty hand and swept me away into a new place– oddly enough just 30 days prior to big changes in my company that would have affected me greatly. 

-I am on a pathway to ‘cleaning up the financial mess’ that has rocked me for so long. Paperwork has been put in motion to navigate these waters. 

-One of my true Soul Sisters was brought back to me– the restoration was amazing and unexpected. I thought a part of me died when she rejected me in 2012- three years later we are growing together again.

– I have navigated a year with ‘sharing’ my children with a man that despises my existence. There was a time that I did not think that I would be able to survive this battle daily, and now I am not afraid. This was largely due to the Freedom that I received through deliverance and prayer on my trip to Cali this year. 
For the new Year:
I am asking my Father for a lit pathway through the dark woods of this life. I care not to wander at my own design or fall into a bog because the fog was so thick that I could not see. I don’t want to blindly love someone only to have wasted another year. Time was needed for me to find my inner desire, but I want someone to share my journey with. I ask for Wisdom to see the pitfalls before they come. Clarity in any decision that comes my way. Protection from the Enemy for my mind and heart. Strength to Battle thee forces that fight for my children and my soul. A partner that will stand side by side with me in any battle I face. One that is worthy to share my journey and shows it — believes in Justice, Loyal, and Pursuant of my Fathers Will in their own rite. I don’t want to lead a man, I want to stand by one. I want to partner- I want to be his co-hort in life. I want to know that if we walk through fire– our bonds cannot be broken. I want to add to his life in a way that excites him on all levels- mental/soulful/emotional/spiritual and body. This is not impossible. I have seen it done- but the rarity of this makes it seem elusive and fabricated for fairy tales. After several years of intense mayhem, I have come to see the picture of my adult life timeline as this. 
1992 — all possibility lay before me

1993 — wandered

1994 — met/married a man that inspired me for many reasons- the excitement took me places. The challenge was accepted.

1995 — a STAR was born; A son of song and light

1996 — Life became intense

1997 — Abandoned and Stripped of Power

1998 — A Star is born into Darkness; A son of Truth

1999 – 02 : Roller Coaster in the Dark with only the light of a burning lantern

2002 — A Star is born into Chaos and Pain; A son of Peace

2003 – 06 : Life in a Sea of Stormy Weather – a raft with holes to float in

2007 — A Star is born enshrouded in death and fog.

2008 — I walked in Heavy mist until a new Star was born with a brilliant Rainbow Crown

2009- 12: A climate of desert and hot wind assaulted my senses while I huddled beneath the olive tree with my children

2012 – 15: A war-torn landscape and prolonged battle raged. 

2016 — Will this be the year of Victory? Only my Father knows every struggle and each flower that sprung up from the sobs of grief that have wracked my mind and heart. I have run out of tears. I am creating new armor for the battle will always rage, but I am no longer the prison forced to fight for my masters gain. I am free to fight for mine…. and I will Dance with Joy and Praise with each small Victory land I take . My message– “GEAR UP”– MY motto — “Be brave in the face of your enemies- have courage to love in the face of adversity – Be Kind to others – Fight for your ground.”
Change is here– will you accept the challenge to Find new ground?