I feel the word Zing when I hear it. It is a sound to me… it is a feeling too. When a piece of metal shocks me and electricity goes through my hands… that is a Zing! We can zing someone with words– where our vocal zing feels like a shock to the listener. I try not to do that. I want my Zing! to be a positive one. Like fireworks or electricity that shoots up into the sky and lights up whatever it is in reference to. Words are sent flinging into space in the same way all around us. Zing! can be a good thing to have– usually people refer to snide remarks as “zings” but hopefully we can change that to be happy things too. A Zing! should be any comment or experience that sends electric feeling through your mind! I want to zing with a compliment or a smile… something unexpected, but good. A moment of time that allows the listener to feel alive and energized. So send a Positive Zing! toward someone today.
I sit here today … Reading and considering. Time has passed since I lost things. My whole life has been faulted- turned upside down and restarted several times.
What was the most pivotal change? What was the item that had the most impact on how I am today? When I look back– the item that I look back and say “this moment changed everything”. There really is not one moment in your life like this but many. Each chapter has something that defines it. There are different levels of loss but all experience teaches and will shape our psycy
The gaping hole in my heart has some edges that have been stitched together by the web of hope. Love has a way of touching dark places with its warmth. I’m just holding the pieces together with glue of determination some days. Some days you will walk with a song in your step, other days you will just choose to put one foot in front of the other- just stepping. I have Had some very big things in the last couple years that I believe have been pivotal moments.
1) Bradeys death
3) loss of my “safe place” where I used to run
4) abandoned by friends and family
5). Last year– deep disappointment; being hurt by someone who said they loved you.
6) most recently- Being in love with a man that says that he is not able to give me what I need right now
None of these items will define me but all of them will shape my view of possible. I essentially have “chosen” to be a survivor even when there was plenty of reasons to hide and disengage.
What do I want? ….. I have pondered it long and hard. In my life as a whole I have not struggled with confidence in who I am or what I bring to the table. My struggle seems to finding someone that believes in me. Someone that will stand by me when I fall, or stand strong when I need to cry without judging me. Someone who will let me be me. Even in my search over the years I always had a network of people that I believed had my best interest at heart. For the first time in my history… My network is fully broken. My family is far and I still protect them– my friends are busy and most are not strong enough for me to trust with my heart– no man– my kids are teenagers (nuff said). So I am on my own to navigate. Not even the hint of anyone physical. My web of hope is broken.
This place comes with much pain and grieving– but I do feel a certain solice that I will survive and say I did it. when I do , there will be a story — a record breaking epic adventure to relay.
Today my story starts with… “The road is bleak — lonely doesn’t even remotely discribe the emotions of my ravaged heart…. As I navigate the wind that seems to whip around invisable curves, I am reminded of Psalm 23. I quote it- because it is better to hear at least my own voice to combat the shrill whistle of blustery air and dark shadows. This does feel like the “valley of death” but a different one than I have walked before. I am trodding on the path– it is difficult; yet every step I take brings me closer to the edge of the illusive sunshine. Night comes- I am numb. Silently as if my thoughts hurt– I just wait till dawn conserving even energy from thought or dreams”
I am in a introspective place today. I am sitting in a freinds porch far away from my “normal life” — a weekend of relaxation and laughter. I feel more like myself today than I have in a while. I m watching the wind move the trees deliberately but still light enough that it comes and goes. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and breathe in Peace and rest. I feel safe- that is not normal for me…. interesting. The man that I am with this weekend has inspired courage in me — courage to be me 100% . He has made me not afraid to look deep and be true to my inner desire, while not leaving my values and beliefs. He is strong and kind– deep, but laughs easy. Our relationship is easy and he has a way of making me smile at the smallest things in life. Smiling….. such a simple thing, but has been lost. Interestingly enough when I was small, my father consistantly told me to smile. I was a very deep child but loved to laugh. My father grew that in me- he was a jokster, but also knew how to look on me with love and appreciation. My dad made me feel accepted and beautiful. He taught me how to lighten the load of everyone with my smile and showed me how that in turn lightened mine.
Over time I forgot what it felt like to smile. My life was full of pain, but I wanted to find the joy in things around me. I remembered my dad’s words…. “smile sweetheart- just smile and you will feel better”. I used to roll my eyes, but he would keep it up with the relentless “smile…. just smile”. Finally, when I did smile, it was a relief. There was a warmth that my brain felt when my cheeks turned up in a smile. I encourage you to try. Just smile… even if it doesn’t feel normal- keep doing it, you will feel the change.
Now I sit and smile- just for the sunshine and the breeze. For a weekend with no stress; a weekend of being myself and being ok with it. A weekend to share with someone I love and trust. I don’ know if we will land in each others lives forever, but today I will enjoy every moment together.
I live in a whirlwind of many different lives all mixed into one: the boss at work; the mother of teens and a 1st grader which is two different roles as one needs to live with your head on a swival, while the other is cuddle time and games; the bestfriend; the confidant; the lover; the supportive and encouraging daughter. I find all of these personalities in my brain to be kept up similtaniously. I love each one of these things that I am, and would not choose one over the other. I engage in each part of myself with gusto – I am all of these and glad that I have a full life .
I feel cautious about sharing my life with many of my girl friends as I am not ready to talk about my journey for I have not yet figured out my path. I hope that someday I will be able to rest in the joy of sharing life with a man again. for now…. I will enjoy his smile, and smile back.
I am in a dilemma here as I do not like to “categorize” my family. The truth is… I have a lot of things going on that make mine a modern day picture. Divorced mom, bad custody issues…. angry teenagers, I work too much and never have enough money. I do not have a good support structure as they all abandon me when I divorced my husband (they were all his family).
My picture has broken glass all through it, but there is happiness in there too. I recently decided not to pursue a relationship so that I could focus on more of what structure my kids need. My sacrifice is small for what I hope they can gain. What I knew to be family growing up does not exist for my kids. That was a hard concept for me to swallow…. they will never know the solid- safe – environment of home that I did. They have two separate lives… one with me and one with their dad. Is this harder on me or them? Not sure…
How will I ever fix the fragments? I tried the co-parent thing. The ex just uses the kids against me. Instead of sharing info– he takes what I give and plans to destroy whatever safe haven I create. so for me, separation is best — but that leaves the kids in that “two lives” place each day. I didn’t want them to choose, but when I saw my sons being manipulated to choose their father it made me panic. I pulled back to give them space to have the happiness they can find in the middle- no pressure. How do I watch them choose him and his lies? Modern family is torn for me– broken– sad and full of choices. All I ever wanted was for them to be safe and happy. I will continue to strive for this, as well as work as hard as I can to create a career out of nothing in my 40’s, while putting on a smile every day to assure them that I am confident of myself and their love even on the days they break my heart by believing his lies.
modern Family- could be about Technology-Crucial Conversations with your kids – Balancing Career and Family- but for me it’s the twist of what I see now… after the Picture I created and cherished was smashed on the tile of Broken Dreams. Modern Families
When thinking through my reason for staying in a 19 year marriage that was very difficult, I gave this explanation to a friend about why the decision to leave my marriage was so difficult. This was my description: “You live on an island– it’s not perfect, but you have learned to navigate and manage the environment that you have been stuck in. The Island is a rough existence, but you wake up and conquer every day – you grow stronger and jagged in your emotions so the pain is manageable. You grow accustom to your place and revel in the sunshine and beauty of the exotic surroundings– it seems ok. You have built a boat over time but you don’t leave because it would mean abandoning the life you know to an unknown future. Even though you are not comfortable, you don’t have many options or a clear direction. One day a fire starts on your island– you try with everything that you are worth to stop the burning embers from spreading– but you can’t… the wind, and the environment around you accelerate the burn until the forest is a blaze. You are able to jump in your boat…paddle out a little ways, only to watch everything you built burn with ferocity to ashes. There is nothing that you can do– it is out of your control, but you have this intense desire to rebuild. It is all you know– survive, rebuild, adjust, fix… and repeat. This has been your pattern for many years while abandoned in this place. Now, after many building attempts– you are tired, but feel the obligation to the place you have protected from the world. And yet, there is the wide open space of the ocean calling. With fear, questions, excitement and hope you decide to paddle out to the unknown expanse of a world that is ever-changing and foreign to your soul. Wounded from your isolation and trauma on the island, you wonder if it is better just to go back…. but the call of the “fire of desire” to conquer the wild, feel the adventure, and move into a stronger place calls you forward… You have now left the island with nothing but a blank canvas to paddle into with the deep knowledge of where you have been. You stay in the boat, and each morning with the rising sun, you smile since you are alive– the sun is beautiful–the day is promising and you have a paddle to assist you moving forward.