New Year–

I aam starting this blog post with thee full knowledge that I have not written anything in a full year. As I wrap up 2015 I am sobered by how messy life is and how fast it can change. 
This year has been a roller coaster. Here are some of the highlights:
* I thought I found love…I pursued it for a while, wrapping my thoughts around the process of involving another person in my life. It was good for me to feel love for the first time in a long time. I ended the relationship when I realized that it was lacking some profound basics that I could not be without. I decided that it will be difficult at best to find a person that can truly show the kind of dedication to me that it will take for me to let them into my ever changing and radically dramatic existence. This man was not ready for the dedication it would take to let me fly free to be the kind of mother I need to be while still keeping steady with the type of support that I need to depend on. On top of that, I had the challenge of the person that I was spending time with being someone that my ‘ex’ hated and had made a horrifically untrue story up about that being the reason that our marriage ended. While untrue– this I realized was a fatal flaw that my kids would not be able to move past the lie and I was not willing to lose them while they came to the truth on their own. Much better for me to let go…
In 2015, I sought God anew and prayed for breakthrough. God showed his mighty hand in my life. The following were the high level items, that only by Gods Mighty Hand was I able to come through … none of these are things that are “solved”, but they have been set in motion successfully and I am looking for the ending that will Tag the Win. 
– I was able to negotiate a custody arrangement with my ex that stopped the battle.

– I turned a corner with one of my long-time friends, and while the relationship is not repaired from the violent battle that ended our comfortable sisterhood, it is on it’s way to a new place.

-My son got caught up in some bad things, but God miraculously saved him from a life in prison. 

-The relationship that I had, I ended with a better understanding of who I am as a Woman of Faith and adult with my own goals. God did promise me in 2014 that if I ended that relationship that he would release me from the prison that I have called home for my ADULT years.

-In prayer I asked for “strength to fly out of the chaos” for my son, God answered in the final hours of the year.

-When I couldn’t take my job any longer and burnout was creeping in… God showed His mighty hand and swept me away into a new place– oddly enough just 30 days prior to big changes in my company that would have affected me greatly. 

-I am on a pathway to ‘cleaning up the financial mess’ that has rocked me for so long. Paperwork has been put in motion to navigate these waters. 

-One of my true Soul Sisters was brought back to me– the restoration was amazing and unexpected. I thought a part of me died when she rejected me in 2012- three years later we are growing together again.

– I have navigated a year with ‘sharing’ my children with a man that despises my existence. There was a time that I did not think that I would be able to survive this battle daily, and now I am not afraid. This was largely due to the Freedom that I received through deliverance and prayer on my trip to Cali this year. 
For the new Year:
I am asking my Father for a lit pathway through the dark woods of this life. I care not to wander at my own design or fall into a bog because the fog was so thick that I could not see. I don’t want to blindly love someone only to have wasted another year. Time was needed for me to find my inner desire, but I want someone to share my journey with. I ask for Wisdom to see the pitfalls before they come. Clarity in any decision that comes my way. Protection from the Enemy for my mind and heart. Strength to Battle thee forces that fight for my children and my soul. A partner that will stand side by side with me in any battle I face. One that is worthy to share my journey and shows it — believes in Justice, Loyal, and Pursuant of my Fathers Will in their own rite. I don’t want to lead a man, I want to stand by one. I want to partner- I want to be his co-hort in life. I want to know that if we walk through fire– our bonds cannot be broken. I want to add to his life in a way that excites him on all levels- mental/soulful/emotional/spiritual and body. This is not impossible. I have seen it done- but the rarity of this makes it seem elusive and fabricated for fairy tales. After several years of intense mayhem, I have come to see the picture of my adult life timeline as this. 
1992 — all possibility lay before me

1993 — wandered

1994 — met/married a man that inspired me for many reasons- the excitement took me places. The challenge was accepted.

1995 — a STAR was born; A son of song and light

1996 — Life became intense

1997 — Abandoned and Stripped of Power

1998 — A Star is born into Darkness; A son of Truth

1999 – 02 : Roller Coaster in the Dark with only the light of a burning lantern

2002 — A Star is born into Chaos and Pain; A son of Peace

2003 – 06 : Life in a Sea of Stormy Weather – a raft with holes to float in

2007 — A Star is born enshrouded in death and fog.

2008 — I walked in Heavy mist until a new Star was born with a brilliant Rainbow Crown

2009- 12: A climate of desert and hot wind assaulted my senses while I huddled beneath the olive tree with my children

2012 – 15: A war-torn landscape and prolonged battle raged. 

2016 — Will this be the year of Victory? Only my Father knows every struggle and each flower that sprung up from the sobs of grief that have wracked my mind and heart. I have run out of tears. I am creating new armor for the battle will always rage, but I am no longer the prison forced to fight for my masters gain. I am free to fight for mine…. and I will Dance with Joy and Praise with each small Victory land I take . My message– “GEAR UP”– MY motto — “Be brave in the face of your enemies- have courage to love in the face of adversity – Be Kind to others – Fight for your ground.”
Change is here– will you accept the challenge to Find new ground?

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Heavy Thought

As I sit in silence and mull over the week, I am sobered by the way I feel. My eyes burn from the tears today- my face is “crunchy” from the salt still on my cheeks. I want to break free from the heavy feelings– the hopeless feeling. This week was hard. I got an unsettling review at work, and had some hard  conversations with a friend. I fought with someone i care about– I was defensive and had sharp words.  I talked with a mentor and got some clarity– but still felt trapped in the “cage of corporate race”. I felt unappreciated and ignored. I felt alone. My kids posted wonderful things about their dad on Facebook and that made my angry. he is so tricky and shows only the parts that he wants them to see. He is so selfish and ice cold, but plays the part of “lonely dad” when they are near so that their little hearts reach to comfort. It burns the embers of my anger and i have to breath long deep breaths to keep myself from screaming out the truth that I know. My Ex- Family ( his family that posed to love me deeply and i lived to love for 20 years) has brought another level of disgrace on my existence by not allowing me to attend any family functions including new babies birthday. I cringe with the Abandonment that i feel, each time I find out that Im not invited over- I immediatly feel the same sting as if someone slapped my ice cold cheek very hard. My eyes well up and my heart slumps from the weight of “rejected love”. They act like they don’t notice which hurts more than if they screamed at me.

here are the pressing thoughts:

  • I have not felt really anything wholly since my son died.
  • I have not missed the feelings, but the pain is different now
  • Im tired of feeling blank
  • I want to love someone and to be loved truthfully in return
  • i want to escape the pain of living “just outside” the family group
  • I want to be strong- but i’ve never been so broken.
  • Every friend I have is not emotionally available to me or I don’t trust them enough to hear my story
  • My heart is more than broken or bruised– crushed like grapes in wine press
  • Some of my puzzle peices are missing to my soul
  • Am i deluded about my affect on those around me– do they really need me?
  • I know God is there– somewhere, I just can’t feel Him

I guess most of the time I feel pretty strong and when I have weeks like this- I don’t know how to navigate the true feelings. Why do I have to feel at all? I love my practical, rational side. I love my drama side too– and I love that I used to feel deeply and be passionate about life and the little things. I never wanted to know the darkness as i do now. However, I am glad i have seen darkness– for now the sun is that much brighter when I feel it. I need a breakthrough– I need a crack in my stone hedge. I talk myself through this stuff so often…. it’s familiar to me and in my head it will calm down. Sometimes when i write — I’m afraid to share with others. Not sure many can handle what i say without feeling that i am losing it. I’m not– been close to that before. This is not it. I do not feel out of control mentally in any way over the last several months. As proof that i am balancing my dark moments–here are things that make me smile:

  • The laughter and love of my children
  • Hot coffee
  • Sunshine on my face
  • Flowers– beauty in nature
  • Hard Work – the good tired feeling
  • Smiles/hugs from a friend
  • The friend that knows you and isn’t afraid to walk with you
  • My mother and father- the way the support and love deeply
  • My job — and all it makes me be
  • Thoughts of starting over with someone who opens my heart again

I have realized in the dark days of 2013 that I would rather be alone for ever than to ever again be with a partner who does not “get me”. There are friends that love me today that get me more than my ex ever did.  I want to be with someone that makes me smile every day. I love to see that “I adore you” look in someone’s eyes– and know they don’t have to say it. I want to feel safe. I need to feel accepted for me– all of my passionate thoughts and wandering analytic discussions.  someone who wants to enjoy small moments– and loves what kind of mom I am. Is diverse in nature and open to all people. It makes me calm to think about these things and toy with the thought that I may find someone who fits the bill. If i don’t– its ok. I love controlling my own life. I love looking at my kids at 11pm and going for ice cream when most parents wouldn’t. I love having fun and not worry that who I’m with will think I’m silly. I am learning to like myself alone. That is a good first step I think…. to becoming stronger in my skin.

In this month of February where love is celebrated. I want to give a shout out to those that have learned to embrace truth in Love– the good and the bad. Have survived the battle- and live successfully with your scars to Love again. Enjoy every moment with the one that fills your heart– for you have found a way to breathe easier through Life’s Path… and that is worth smiling about!

Burning Island

When thinking through my reason for staying in a 19 year marriage that was very difficult,  I gave this explanation to a friend about why the decision to leave my marriage was so difficult. This was my description:   “You live on an island– it’s not perfect, but you have learned to navigate and manage the environment that you have been stuck in. The Island  is a rough existence, but you wake up and conquer every day – you grow stronger and jagged in your emotions so the pain is manageable. You grow accustom to your place and revel in the sunshine and beauty of the exotic surroundings– it seems ok. You have built a boat over time but you don’t leave because it would mean abandoning the life you know to an unknown future. Even though you are not comfortable, you don’t have many options or a clear direction. One day a fire starts on your island– you try with everything that you are worth to stop the burning embers from spreading– but you can’t… the wind, and the environment around you accelerate the burn until the forest is a blaze. You are able to jump in your boat…paddle out a little ways, only to watch everything you built burn with ferocity to ashes. There is nothing that you can do– it is out of your control, but you have this intense desire to rebuild. It is all you know– survive, rebuild, adjust, fix… and repeat. This has been your pattern for many years while abandoned in this place. Now, after many building attempts– you are tired, but feel the obligation to the place you have protected from the world. And yet, there is the wide open space of the ocean calling. With fear, questions, excitement and hope you decide to paddle out to the unknown expanse of a world that is ever-changing and foreign to your soul. Wounded from your isolation and trauma on the island, you wonder if it is better just to go back…. but the call of the “fire of desire” to conquer the wild, feel the adventure, and move into a stronger place calls you forward…  You have now left the island with nothing but a blank canvas to paddle into with the deep knowledge of where you have been. You stay in the boat, and each morning with the rising sun, you smile since you are alive– the sun is beautiful–the day is promising and you have a paddle to assist you moving forward.