Heavy Thought

As I sit in silence and mull over the week, I am sobered by the way I feel. My eyes burn from the tears today- my face is “crunchy” from the salt still on my cheeks. I want to break free from the heavy feelings– the hopeless feeling. This week was hard. I got an unsettling review at work, and had some hard  conversations with a friend. I fought with someone i care about– I was defensive and had sharp words.  I talked with a mentor and got some clarity– but still felt trapped in the “cage of corporate race”. I felt unappreciated and ignored. I felt alone. My kids posted wonderful things about their dad on Facebook and that made my angry. he is so tricky and shows only the parts that he wants them to see. He is so selfish and ice cold, but plays the part of “lonely dad” when they are near so that their little hearts reach to comfort. It burns the embers of my anger and i have to breath long deep breaths to keep myself from screaming out the truth that I know. My Ex- Family ( his family that posed to love me deeply and i lived to love for 20 years) has brought another level of disgrace on my existence by not allowing me to attend any family functions including new babies birthday. I cringe with the Abandonment that i feel, each time I find out that Im not invited over- I immediatly feel the same sting as if someone slapped my ice cold cheek very hard. My eyes well up and my heart slumps from the weight of “rejected love”. They act like they don’t notice which hurts more than if they screamed at me.

here are the pressing thoughts:

  • I have not felt really anything wholly since my son died.
  • I have not missed the feelings, but the pain is different now
  • Im tired of feeling blank
  • I want to love someone and to be loved truthfully in return
  • i want to escape the pain of living “just outside” the family group
  • I want to be strong- but i’ve never been so broken.
  • Every friend I have is not emotionally available to me or I don’t trust them enough to hear my story
  • My heart is more than broken or bruised– crushed like grapes in wine press
  • Some of my puzzle peices are missing to my soul
  • Am i deluded about my affect on those around me– do they really need me?
  • I know God is there– somewhere, I just can’t feel Him

I guess most of the time I feel pretty strong and when I have weeks like this- I don’t know how to navigate the true feelings. Why do I have to feel at all? I love my practical, rational side. I love my drama side too– and I love that I used to feel deeply and be passionate about life and the little things. I never wanted to know the darkness as i do now. However, I am glad i have seen darkness– for now the sun is that much brighter when I feel it. I need a breakthrough– I need a crack in my stone hedge. I talk myself through this stuff so often…. it’s familiar to me and in my head it will calm down. Sometimes when i write — I’m afraid to share with others. Not sure many can handle what i say without feeling that i am losing it. I’m not– been close to that before. This is not it. I do not feel out of control mentally in any way over the last several months. As proof that i am balancing my dark moments–here are things that make me smile:

  • The laughter and love of my children
  • Hot coffee
  • Sunshine on my face
  • Flowers– beauty in nature
  • Hard Work – the good tired feeling
  • Smiles/hugs from a friend
  • The friend that knows you and isn’t afraid to walk with you
  • My mother and father- the way the support and love deeply
  • My job — and all it makes me be
  • Thoughts of starting over with someone who opens my heart again

I have realized in the dark days of 2013 that I would rather be alone for ever than to ever again be with a partner who does not “get me”. There are friends that love me today that get me more than my ex ever did.  I want to be with someone that makes me smile every day. I love to see that “I adore you” look in someone’s eyes– and know they don’t have to say it. I want to feel safe. I need to feel accepted for me– all of my passionate thoughts and wandering analytic discussions.  someone who wants to enjoy small moments– and loves what kind of mom I am. Is diverse in nature and open to all people. It makes me calm to think about these things and toy with the thought that I may find someone who fits the bill. If i don’t– its ok. I love controlling my own life. I love looking at my kids at 11pm and going for ice cream when most parents wouldn’t. I love having fun and not worry that who I’m with will think I’m silly. I am learning to like myself alone. That is a good first step I think…. to becoming stronger in my skin.

In this month of February where love is celebrated. I want to give a shout out to those that have learned to embrace truth in Love– the good and the bad. Have survived the battle- and live successfully with your scars to Love again. Enjoy every moment with the one that fills your heart– for you have found a way to breathe easier through Life’s Path… and that is worth smiling about!

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Burning Island

When thinking through my reason for staying in a 19 year marriage that was very difficult,  I gave this explanation to a friend about why the decision to leave my marriage was so difficult. This was my description:   “You live on an island– it’s not perfect, but you have learned to navigate and manage the environment that you have been stuck in. The Island  is a rough existence, but you wake up and conquer every day – you grow stronger and jagged in your emotions so the pain is manageable. You grow accustom to your place and revel in the sunshine and beauty of the exotic surroundings– it seems ok. You have built a boat over time but you don’t leave because it would mean abandoning the life you know to an unknown future. Even though you are not comfortable, you don’t have many options or a clear direction. One day a fire starts on your island– you try with everything that you are worth to stop the burning embers from spreading– but you can’t… the wind, and the environment around you accelerate the burn until the forest is a blaze. You are able to jump in your boat…paddle out a little ways, only to watch everything you built burn with ferocity to ashes. There is nothing that you can do– it is out of your control, but you have this intense desire to rebuild. It is all you know– survive, rebuild, adjust, fix… and repeat. This has been your pattern for many years while abandoned in this place. Now, after many building attempts– you are tired, but feel the obligation to the place you have protected from the world. And yet, there is the wide open space of the ocean calling. With fear, questions, excitement and hope you decide to paddle out to the unknown expanse of a world that is ever-changing and foreign to your soul. Wounded from your isolation and trauma on the island, you wonder if it is better just to go back…. but the call of the “fire of desire” to conquer the wild, feel the adventure, and move into a stronger place calls you forward…  You have now left the island with nothing but a blank canvas to paddle into with the deep knowledge of where you have been. You stay in the boat, and each morning with the rising sun, you smile since you are alive– the sun is beautiful–the day is promising and you have a paddle to assist you moving forward.