Pounding Heart—

We all have epic moments of terror during our lives that insight trauma in our minds….

Pounding Heart…. Pounding Head……..thoughts throb one cumbersome mess at a time, my blood runs cold then hot with each surge through my veins….

“This cannot be happening. This is not real. Bad dreams come and go”, I say– as if to comfort myself amidst the unprecedented evil turn of events that I am facing. “you will rise…. be strong and courageous– Do not cower or quiver under the strain– use your head, be rational” I state aloud, while trying to make a case that rational thought will explain the piercing reality of pain away.

Grief comes in waves of grey and blue with an occasional red blast of hot stinging pins to my heart…
I close my eyes and wish that sleep or a waking comma will take me from reality for a little while. My soul needs rest, my mind needs Peace. Then I wonder….maybe God keeps me from ultimate rest because my battle has been (continues to be..) so intense over the last several years, that if I rested or fell asleep- then I would lose my edge. So possibly I am kept in a state of vigilance to protect me from the ever- present destroyer and his brood of evil doers that lurk nearby.

People say…. “you can’t ever be too careful– plan for the worst so you will be prepared”.  I did not do that. I believed in the good, the hard worker and the truth of loyalty. I have not chosen negativity and brooding distrust because I possess this undying expectation that there is joy and happiness to be found. I believe in what others are CAPABLE of and push them to that excellence. I choose to see the glimmer of hope in a grey environment. The sun does not shine daily, but the warmth once felt can be harnessed in one’s soul for the dark days. I choose to believe Love always wins and rules in the end; love will cover the wounds of the broken. I trust that there is rest for the weary and heavy laden…. but in reality, many are weary and I am stronger than most.  My testing is brutal, my wounds bleeding, but my heart pounds strong and undaunted by the thunder of the storm. Is this my downfall? This undying hope, the atrophy of a relentless warrior spirit? I was born for war…. I dare not struggle to choose weakness now.

All questions loom and swirl, but most will not be answered. The plight of a warrior is to forge on through the battle that rages one dark wave after another. Victory will be derived from building a sequence of small victories. Today the victory is as small as Breath, Body Armour, light to see the enemy and food for the soul from the encouragement of a friend.

Take heart! … for you did not die in battle today — you will live strong to fight again tomorrow.

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Heavy Thought

As I sit in silence and mull over the week, I am sobered by the way I feel. My eyes burn from the tears today- my face is “crunchy” from the salt still on my cheeks. I want to break free from the heavy feelings– the hopeless feeling. This week was hard. I got an unsettling review at work, and had some hard  conversations with a friend. I fought with someone i care about– I was defensive and had sharp words.  I talked with a mentor and got some clarity– but still felt trapped in the “cage of corporate race”. I felt unappreciated and ignored. I felt alone. My kids posted wonderful things about their dad on Facebook and that made my angry. he is so tricky and shows only the parts that he wants them to see. He is so selfish and ice cold, but plays the part of “lonely dad” when they are near so that their little hearts reach to comfort. It burns the embers of my anger and i have to breath long deep breaths to keep myself from screaming out the truth that I know. My Ex- Family ( his family that posed to love me deeply and i lived to love for 20 years) has brought another level of disgrace on my existence by not allowing me to attend any family functions including new babies birthday. I cringe with the Abandonment that i feel, each time I find out that Im not invited over- I immediatly feel the same sting as if someone slapped my ice cold cheek very hard. My eyes well up and my heart slumps from the weight of “rejected love”. They act like they don’t notice which hurts more than if they screamed at me.

here are the pressing thoughts:

  • I have not felt really anything wholly since my son died.
  • I have not missed the feelings, but the pain is different now
  • Im tired of feeling blank
  • I want to love someone and to be loved truthfully in return
  • i want to escape the pain of living “just outside” the family group
  • I want to be strong- but i’ve never been so broken.
  • Every friend I have is not emotionally available to me or I don’t trust them enough to hear my story
  • My heart is more than broken or bruised– crushed like grapes in wine press
  • Some of my puzzle peices are missing to my soul
  • Am i deluded about my affect on those around me– do they really need me?
  • I know God is there– somewhere, I just can’t feel Him

I guess most of the time I feel pretty strong and when I have weeks like this- I don’t know how to navigate the true feelings. Why do I have to feel at all? I love my practical, rational side. I love my drama side too– and I love that I used to feel deeply and be passionate about life and the little things. I never wanted to know the darkness as i do now. However, I am glad i have seen darkness– for now the sun is that much brighter when I feel it. I need a breakthrough– I need a crack in my stone hedge. I talk myself through this stuff so often…. it’s familiar to me and in my head it will calm down. Sometimes when i write — I’m afraid to share with others. Not sure many can handle what i say without feeling that i am losing it. I’m not– been close to that before. This is not it. I do not feel out of control mentally in any way over the last several months. As proof that i am balancing my dark moments–here are things that make me smile:

  • The laughter and love of my children
  • Hot coffee
  • Sunshine on my face
  • Flowers– beauty in nature
  • Hard Work – the good tired feeling
  • Smiles/hugs from a friend
  • The friend that knows you and isn’t afraid to walk with you
  • My mother and father- the way the support and love deeply
  • My job — and all it makes me be
  • Thoughts of starting over with someone who opens my heart again

I have realized in the dark days of 2013 that I would rather be alone for ever than to ever again be with a partner who does not “get me”. There are friends that love me today that get me more than my ex ever did.  I want to be with someone that makes me smile every day. I love to see that “I adore you” look in someone’s eyes– and know they don’t have to say it. I want to feel safe. I need to feel accepted for me– all of my passionate thoughts and wandering analytic discussions.  someone who wants to enjoy small moments– and loves what kind of mom I am. Is diverse in nature and open to all people. It makes me calm to think about these things and toy with the thought that I may find someone who fits the bill. If i don’t– its ok. I love controlling my own life. I love looking at my kids at 11pm and going for ice cream when most parents wouldn’t. I love having fun and not worry that who I’m with will think I’m silly. I am learning to like myself alone. That is a good first step I think…. to becoming stronger in my skin.

In this month of February where love is celebrated. I want to give a shout out to those that have learned to embrace truth in Love– the good and the bad. Have survived the battle- and live successfully with your scars to Love again. Enjoy every moment with the one that fills your heart– for you have found a way to breathe easier through Life’s Path… and that is worth smiling about!