We all have epic moments of terror during our lives that insight trauma in our minds….
Pounding Heart…. Pounding Head……..thoughts throb one cumbersome mess at a time, my blood runs cold then hot with each surge through my veins….
“This cannot be happening. This is not real. Bad dreams come and go”, I say– as if to comfort myself amidst the unprecedented evil turn of events that I am facing. “you will rise…. be strong and courageous– Do not cower or quiver under the strain– use your head, be rational” I state aloud, while trying to make a case that rational thought will explain the piercing reality of pain away.
Grief comes in waves of grey and blue with an occasional red blast of hot stinging pins to my heart…
I close my eyes and wish that sleep or a waking comma will take me from reality for a little while. My soul needs rest, my mind needs Peace. Then I wonder….maybe God keeps me from ultimate rest because my battle has been (continues to be..) so intense over the last several years, that if I rested or fell asleep- then I would lose my edge. So possibly I am kept in a state of vigilance to protect me from the ever- present destroyer and his brood of evil doers that lurk nearby.
People say…. “you can’t ever be too careful– plan for the worst so you will be prepared”. I did not do that. I believed in the good, the hard worker and the truth of loyalty. I have not chosen negativity and brooding distrust because I possess this undying expectation that there is joy and happiness to be found. I believe in what others are CAPABLE of and push them to that excellence. I choose to see the glimmer of hope in a grey environment. The sun does not shine daily, but the warmth once felt can be harnessed in one’s soul for the dark days. I choose to believe Love always wins and rules in the end; love will cover the wounds of the broken. I trust that there is rest for the weary and heavy laden…. but in reality, many are weary and I am stronger than most. My testing is brutal, my wounds bleeding, but my heart pounds strong and undaunted by the thunder of the storm. Is this my downfall? This undying hope, the atrophy of a relentless warrior spirit? I was born for war…. I dare not struggle to choose weakness now.
All questions loom and swirl, but most will not be answered. The plight of a warrior is to forge on through the battle that rages one dark wave after another. Victory will be derived from building a sequence of small victories. Today the victory is as small as Breath, Body Armour, light to see the enemy and food for the soul from the encouragement of a friend.
Take heart! … for you did not die in battle today — you will live strong to fight again tomorrow.
When thinking through my reason for staying in a 19 year marriage that was very difficult, I gave this explanation to a friend about why the decision to leave my marriage was so difficult. This was my description: “You live on an island– it’s not perfect, but you have learned to navigate and manage the environment that you have been stuck in. The Island is a rough existence, but you wake up and conquer every day – you grow stronger and jagged in your emotions so the pain is manageable. You grow accustom to your place and revel in the sunshine and beauty of the exotic surroundings– it seems ok. You have built a boat over time but you don’t leave because it would mean abandoning the life you know to an unknown future. Even though you are not comfortable, you don’t have many options or a clear direction. One day a fire starts on your island– you try with everything that you are worth to stop the burning embers from spreading– but you can’t… the wind, and the environment around you accelerate the burn until the forest is a blaze. You are able to jump in your boat…paddle out a little ways, only to watch everything you built burn with ferocity to ashes. There is nothing that you can do– it is out of your control, but you have this intense desire to rebuild. It is all you know– survive, rebuild, adjust, fix… and repeat. This has been your pattern for many years while abandoned in this place. Now, after many building attempts– you are tired, but feel the obligation to the place you have protected from the world. And yet, there is the wide open space of the ocean calling. With fear, questions, excitement and hope you decide to paddle out to the unknown expanse of a world that is ever-changing and foreign to your soul. Wounded from your isolation and trauma on the island, you wonder if it is better just to go back…. but the call of the “fire of desire” to conquer the wild, feel the adventure, and move into a stronger place calls you forward… You have now left the island with nothing but a blank canvas to paddle into with the deep knowledge of where you have been. You stay in the boat, and each morning with the rising sun, you smile since you are alive– the sun is beautiful–the day is promising and you have a paddle to assist you moving forward.